so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
