I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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