I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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