My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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