this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
