I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
