he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
