i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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