paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
please come you make the beer taste better
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
