3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
