true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
third nipple confirmed
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
