i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
