At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
