The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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