im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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