Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
