you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
