so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
