i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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