Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
