i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
