I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
