I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
They have beer where we have blood.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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