i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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