Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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