So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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