omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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