I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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