The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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