If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
