The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
As shirtless as possible
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
