I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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