I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
