apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
