ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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