We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
