Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
