I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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