she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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