Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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