My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
