Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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