The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
