he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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