I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
two words: eviction party
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
