I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
