I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i barfeds in our rink
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
