And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
