Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
