You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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