I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
