would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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