Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
